The House of My Youth

Part 5 - Forbidden Brew

When I was still in grade school one of the cool things to get was bubble gum cards. Mostly, these would be baseball cards, but football, basketball and hockey were available, too. Those were for the sports minded. For the other-minded there were a variety of choices: Beatles and Monkees, for the rock group minded; Monster Cards, for the fantasy minded (these came with a puzzle on the back which I used as the basis for a play I wrote); and Wanted Cards, for those with a sense of humor.

Wanted Cards were cartoon drawings of various "criminals": Principal, Teacher, Librarian, Preacher, Mother. Helvie and I used to collect them. We hung the "Wanted: Mother" poster on the wall across from the bathroom. Mother didn't think it was all that funny, but everyone else did. It eventually got torn down - but not by Mother.

Daddy was a beer drinker. He would stop at the Wiggle Inn on his way home from a truck run and stay until he was good and drunk before coming home. He also kept a few cases of the Grain Belt out on the porch for home drinking. It was understood by all of us kids that these bottles were not for underage consumption. For years that understanding kept us all away from the cases. Then, one year, Lynahr and Judayl got the idea they could sneak a few bottles upstairs and find out just what it was about beer Daddy (and their friends at school, no doubt) found so appealing.

By chance, Daddy was actually home that night. And he had not been drinking. He, mother, Gayanne, Helvie and I were watching some television program. Lynahr and Judayl were upstairs. As teenage girls they frequently sought refuge away from the rest of the family. Mother called it "hiding", and she didn't like it. We used to laugh at this cutaway picture of our house in our minds. All of the kids would be upstairs peeking out from under their beds. Hiding.

The first we knew anything was up was the laughing. Judayl always had a very distintive laugh, and it frequently echoed through the house. But Lynahr was generally shy and reserved. To hear her laughing from across the house was a bit unusual. Mother, always suspecting we were up to something (we were often enough to warrant it, I suppose), went to the stairs and called them down. Down they stumbled, fortunate not to break their necks in the process. They were still laughing.

Helvie and I didn't know what was going on. Daddy and Mother knew right off. They sent Gayanne upstairs to fetch the bottles.

They hadn't drank much, but as neither was accustomed to it the alcohol hit them right off. And though they had stopped drinking, the full effects had yet to strike, and they got more and more drunk before my eyes. They were crawling around the floor, completely incoherant. Lynahr found me and crawled up my legs to look me in the face.

Bevie! Bevie! Bevie!

I had never seen drunks like this. Daddy got drunk a lot, but he almost seemed coherent when he was. This was - strange. Mother peeled Lynahr off and I moved out of range. I looked at Daddy. By now I knew they were drunk. Was Daddy going to beat them? He looked at me.

Do they scare you?

I nodded and he laughed.

They scare me, too.

What are you going to do?

Nothing I can do now. It's too late. We just have to wait until they sober up. Meanwhile, we have to keep an eye on them so they don't hurt themselves. Watch them. Let me know if they do anything else they shouldn't.

Helvie and I followed the sisters from room to room as they crawled like babies exploring a new house. Everything was funny and amazing. Judayl crawled up a wall and found herself face to face with the "Wanted: Mother" poster. She began pawing it.

Mother! Mother!

I don't recall who started getting sick first. I think it was Judayl. Eventually, they passed out.

Daddy did not beat them. The only physical punishment they took was being awakened especially early and suffering the after effects while doing noisy housework: dishes, vacuuming, etc.

I don't know if they ever drank Daddy's beer again, but they did not lose their taste for it. Myself, I was never tempted. I saw no sense in what they did. Daddy, either. Drinking didn't make any of them happier. Oh, they laughed. But that's not happiness. I know. I can laugh, too. More than once I have been accused of being drunk when in fact I have had no alcohol whatsoever.

That's not to say I'm totally against alcohol. I remember working in the hayfield with my sister-in-law. We put up about a thousand bales of hay - just the two of us. When we finished we were so dehydrated and thirsty. She had a few bottles of beer in the refrigerator. I tell you, when you are hot, sweaty and desperately thirsty, an ice cold beer really hits the spot. But only one. After that water suffices.

The Forbidden Brew.

I suppose some alchie's going to write about the Forbidden Chinese Buffet now. I've been back for seconds and thirds more than once in my life. I didn't become an alcoholic. Just fat. Not really any healthier, is it?