Okay. You're in the Post Title, Jennifer, because I want to be sure you read this. I'm not certain you are still checking the comments on the earlier post.
The answer to your question has changed - only hours after I posted with great pleasure that I had no idea when the next meeting was. Remember how I wrote that, "Sometimes life is just so kind"? My writing is as big as my mouth.
On a whim, I checked my little used email address, the only one I had when I signed up for the Writers' Group at the library computer. A few months later Spouse insisted we go on-line at home and we got a new address. I sometimes go five or six days without checking the 'old' address, so why I checked it twice today I don't know. Just hunting for a reason to be miserable, I guess. Well, I've got one now.
There, staring me in the face was a single message.
It wasn't from Monster Job Search. I get lots of these, telling me about jobs requiring skills I've never heard of in places I can't afford to go to, such as Colorado, Michigan and Ohio. Why don't these websites pay attention when you say you don't want to apply more than fifty miles from home?
Neither was it from the Work At Home Opportunities. I get lots of these, too. All I have to do to work from home is pay other people. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I indicated on their website to go ahead and keep me appraised of new opportunities. It's always the same ten opportunities! They just rotate randomly.
No. It was from The Writers' Group, informing me that the next meeting will take place next Tuesday, in downtown St. Paul, at a sandwich and pizza shop, after dark! (7:00 p.m.) Right now, after that beautiful, and wonderful, and intelligent, uplifting, encouraging, helpful (add as many other positive adjectives as you can think) advice you gave me, do you know what I am feeling right now?
I may throw up.
I'm not even there and I'm terrified! What the h*ll's the matter with me?
When I saw the message I was nervous. When I opened it and read it, my heart sank. Why? Here's the list again:
Tuesday: no problem
St. Paul: problem. Big cities scare me. (I know it's not New York, Chicago or Los Angeles, but it's still big to me. It's not a place for greenhorns.)
St. Paul: 2nd problem. It's nearly 50 miles from here. (Okay. This one isn't really fair. Everything's nearly 50 miles from here.)
Sandwich/Pizza Shop: annoyance. I get to sit and watch other people eat.
7:00 p.m.: problem. I usually go to bed between eight and nine. (I'm usually up before 4:00 a.m.)
So, what do I do now? Well, I guess I have to pretend I'm someone else. What would I say?
HardDrivingTaskmaster(HDT): What do you mean big cities scare you? What the h*ll's the matter with you?
TLB(timid little bevie): I asked that already.
HDT: A city's a city, dummy! What's wrong with St. Paul?
TLB: People get shot there.
HDT: You idiot! People get shot everywhere - including your little town.
TLB: Thanks for telling me.
HDT: Fifty miles? You knew that when you signed up! What did you sign up for if you think it's too far? Are you nuts or something?
TLB: Grandma says I am. (see earlier post today)
HDT: What's wrong with the restaurant? Don't you like to eat?
TLB: Love it. But I don't have any money. You know that.
HDT: That one, I'll give you. So, it's after dark. Big deal. You afraid of the dark or something?
TLB: No! Yes. Maybe. Sometimes. But its being in the city after dark. Don't you get it?
HDT: No. Why do you go to bed so early. Nobody else does.
TLB: I get up early.
HDT: Why? You don't have to.
TLB: It's my alone time.
HDT: You're always alone.
TLB: Well, yeah, but there's something about being alone early early in the morning when most everyone else is asleep. It's really neat in the summertime because the sun's up.
HDT: You're hopeless, Bevie. Get your a** up and go!
I think I'll pretend I'm somebody else.
Grandma: Bevie's nuts! Bevie's nuts!
Crap.
4 comments:
It's so perfect! The timing, I mean.
Okay, Bevie, how are we going to get you to that meeting?
It sounds now like you are more nervous about the logistics than the actual meeting. Or is it all of it?
One at a time...the drive into the city. Is there anyone who could drive with you? Could your husband and son go and maybe go to a nearby bookstore or something while you attend the meeting? If not, maybe it would make you feel better to call the pizza shop and ask about things like parking and what else is around? If there are a lot of shops and businesses you might feel safer about being in the city after dark. I have lived in Boston, DC and New York and in each of those cities there were places I wouldn't go in in broad daylight as well as places I felt comfortable walking in at 11 at night. It's hard when you don't know the area, but maybe you can find out as much as possible so you can better assess your comfort level.
About the watching everyone eat, you could just eat first and then honestly tell people you've already eaten and just have ice water or coffee.
As for it being later than you usually are up, could you think of it as a good trade off to get to go to the meeting instead of having your alone time the next morning?
Remember, each step of it would be something to blog about--finding it, what the place looks like, watching others eat (you probably wouldn't be the only one not eating) etc.
But at the end of the day, there are a few more hurdles than I would have thought, so do not beat yourself up if it is too much. I was thinking it was just the attending the meeting that was the trouble, and since I am not familiar with the area, I definitely don't want to tell you that you HAVE to go. If you can tell me it's in a safe place that you would feel comfortable in, then I will step up the pressure! :)
Best,
Jennifer
Thanks, Jennifer.
Sorry about including your name in an anxiety attack. If you would like I can take your name out of the title.
I don't normally panic. Storms, fires and things like that. I usually keep my head. I even had someone chase me with a gun once. Terrifying, but I kept my wits long enough to get away. I don't want to try it again though. I've got nothing to prove.
But this isn't like that. This is - okay, irrational. It's harder. For me.
Anyway, thank you for posting again. It's calming to hear a voice speaking, even if it is in my head (I imagine a voice for those who post to me). You take my thoughts out of the deep place where it's hard to breath.
I have a feeling I just may attend this meeting. No promises! When I mentioned it to Spouse I was informed Spouse does not work that night, which means Spouse and Son could come along, or Spouse is available to stay home with Son should I go alone. That I failed to even think of Son in my rant is indicitive of my state. It's so silly, too. I'm more than fifty years old. This is a child's fear. Well, it's my fear.
Speaking of 'anyway' and speaking of being afraid, I have to adjust one of your conclusions. It's an understandable mistake, because you have never seen me, and it's not something I would think to explicity state, but I have to correct you. If I let you believe something is true when I know it isn't, I am no friend. So what's the fear?
The obvious one. You won't come back.
But! Friends tell the truth to each other. So here goes.
You wrote, "Could your husband and son go and maybe go to a nearby bookstore or something while you attend the meeting?"
I don't have a 'husband'. I have a 'wife'.
Your post came just before we began New Year celebrations, and when I read that I decided to wait a few hours before reading the rest. Of course, Spouse and Son thought it was funny. I will if you will.
Hi again,
Okay, in my defense, it was the Bevie! Is that a pen name?
(Here I have a blog about gender, and you can see that I make my own assumptions anyway.)
I am really glad that you are feeling like you will go to the meeting. I hope you do. Really. And don't forget to blog about it!
Okay for some reason blogger isn't letting me sign in so this will be under anon. Hope it goes through...
Okay, in my defense, it was the Bevie! Is that a pen name? (Here I have a blog about gender, and you can see that I make my own assumptions anyway.)
You need no defense, Jennifer. It's been thirty years since I chose that name for myself (you're right, it is a pen name). I had forgotten what I had gone through back then when I first chose it.
It's a play on words - or play on names actually.
Yeah. I'm thinking I may go. There is a sense of the Hand of Destiny being in play. Writing is my career now - even if I'm not getting paid for it.
Oh, I'll blog it all right! After all the (written) noise I've made beforehand I'll have no choice but to blog when I finally go.
(hopeful) smiles
So, you're sticking around then?
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