Who Ya Gonna Call?

Life has not been overly kind to us these past years. I don't mean to moan about it (I don't have to go far to find people who would just love to change places with us), but sometimes one just has to vent. This latest go-around is so ridiculous I don't know if I'm venting, or just laughing deliriously.

I know people don't want to go to someone's blog and read a bunch of morbid and depressing thoughts, but trust me on this, and bear with it to the end. It really is funny - in it's own bureaucratic way.

We have been slipping and sliding for a number of years financially. Spouse has contacted the bank which holds our mortgage at least montly for the past two years asking if there is anything they can do to help. Can we refinance? Can we defer a payment? Can anything be done? Their answer has always been the same: Yes, we can help. Just call this Special Customer Service Help Line and do what they tell you. So, Spouse calls. What do they tell us to do? Make the payment on time, Stupid!

Now, I understand that they are coming from a pretty strong legal position. We did sign the papers stating we would make payments on time. And we did - until the company I worked for decided it didn't need half the people in my department, and nobody over forty (well, to be completely honest, they kept one). Why didn't I sue for age discrimination? Right.

Now if that wasn't bad enough, Spouse's company decided Minnesota sucks and moved to some place warm in the winter. So, both of us being over the magic four zero, and given the bright prospects of our global community, have been engaged in one crap job after another. I worked in a restaurant. Spouse works in retail.

But that's not what I wanted to say. That's just pukey background. (BuffySquirrel from the Evil Editor blog would flag me on this - giving backstory too early to maintain interest. She's right.)

Anyway, here is what happened today, and I find it completely amazing.

Spouse calls the bank this morning and speaks with Mr. JoyAndHappiness. Mr. JoyAndHappiness (he has a job which pays his bills) goes over the paperwork Spouse submitted back in November in response to the bank's offer (finally) to work out a new payment schedule for us.

J.A.H. - Your expenses are significantly higher than your income.

Spouse - Yes. I know. Can you help? Or are we just doomed?

J.A.H. - We do have a program for helping homeowners in trouble.

Spouse - That is why I sent in the papers. Do we qualify? Or are we doomed?

J.A.H. - You do NOT qualify. You must increase your income first.

Spouse - By how much?

J.A.H. - Let's see. Um. Here it is! One hundred and twenty-five percent.

Spouse - If we made that much, we wouldn't need help.

J.A.H. - Well, I can't help until you make that much. Once you do, we'll give you all the help you need.

Spouse - We won't NEED any help then.

J.A.H. - That's the rules. Thank you for calling. You have forty-five days.

Spouse - We're doomed.

Isn't life grand?

You know, it isn't like I think anyone has to help. Things just didn't work out for us like we thought. That's life. And life is like a gorilla in a zoo. It will throw crap at you if you stay in one place too long. But when someone promises to help, only to throw out asinine statements like, "When your income exceeds your expenses, we'll help you", I kind of get annoyed. As Spouse said, if we made more than we had to spend we wouldn't need help. Come on, people. Hello?

I also can't help but get put out over bailing out the very rich. Spouse and I made poor and stupid decisions base on foolish beliefs (like we'd keep our jobs) and now we will pay the price for those decisions. Why don't the rich have to pay for their screw ups?

Sigh. The trouble is, if we don't help the rich, there will be even more poor than there are now, and they are going to suffer even more than they already do. Hmm. I guess that includes us now, doesn't it? Pity.

Spouse and I should have worked in banking - or made cars.