This may be the last post I make here until Sunday or Monday. Going to be away from the computer a few days. If I get up early enough I'll post tomorrow, but no promises.
It's become so I'm not that keen on major holidays anymore. Well, at least not holidays associated with family. You know the ones: Easter, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Why? Because I really do not wish to visit relatives. Not any more. Not for several years. Not since I found out how important I really am to them.
When the bottom fell out from under us back in '02, I didn't expect anyone to come running to our aid. People have their own struggles and we probably could have avoided all of this had we but exercised better courage and intelligence. In a nutshell, it was our own fault for not preparing. Well and good.
What I did NOT expect, or appreciate, was the treatment we got after we began falling. Those who did not outright ignore us (me in particular, as Spouse is a favorite on both sides) were downright rude. There have been a couple of individuals who have done more than help. Believing we would recover, Judayl actually borrowed money - twice! - to help us. She spent over $10,000 to keep us in this house. But the jobs I found to replace the one I lost didn't last. My body gave out on the one, and the company eliminated the other. Every time I think about what Judayl did I cry. You see, Judayl is also at cliff's edge financially. To help us, she put herself closer to financial ruin. Talk about feeling like scum. If she loses everything I am going to find it difficult not to blame myself. Only I have no money to give her. And if I had all the money in the world it could not pay for what she has done.
Perhaps it is my guilt over succumbing to Judayl's pressure to accept her gifts which spawns my desire to keep away from other relatives. (Not that they'd make similar offers. No way!) But I confess that Judayl did not need use a lot of persuasion to convince me. Every year I thought would be better than the one which preceded it. Every year I was wrong. Were I person of real character I would have refused the money. It turned out to be a lost cause anyway. (Kind of like A.I.G., if you ask me.)
So, imagine my reaction when, a few years ago, Spouse's siblings set up a reunion birthday party for their mother down in Arizona. We couldn't afford to go, so Spouse sent the appropriate apologies. The response was that the siblings would pay Spouse's airfare to Arizona. I told Spouse that was very considerate, but Spouse responded with the message: Thank you, for your offer, but if you truly want to help us, why not use the money to help us with the house payment? I wasn't too keen on this, but I wasn't going to get in the middle of the siblings. Unfortunately, I would be pulled in whether I liked it or not.
The return message was, to put it in the vernacular, there was no way in h*ll they would help us in keeping the house, but they would pay $1,800 for Spouse to fly to Arizona and back. But Spouse didn't want to leave Son. So the offer was amended: They would purchase two tickets: one for Spouse and one for Son. Spouse asked me my opinion. I said, "Do what you want to do. If you want to go, go. If not, stay home. It's your decision." (For some reason, Spouse hates it when I say these things.)
I think Spouse would have gone, except that Son didn't want to go without me. He didn't think it was fair that I be left home alone. But that was where the siblings' generosity ended. No ticket for me. Which was fine with me. So, because of Son not wishing to leave me alone, Spouse declined the offer.
I got letters. I got telephone calls. (So did Spouse.) All accusing me of not letting Spouse go. I felt like Pharaoh, with them all coming to me like Moses, "Let your Spouse and Son go!" They flat out called both Spouse and me liars for saying it was Spouse's decision. And none of them have been particularly kind to me since. Except for one niece, who always treats me like I'm important. I told Spouse to remember that when I die. M lives her faith, and accepts people for who they are.
Why bring up all of this cr*p? Well, one of Spouse's sisters called last night. During their conversation the topic of another reunion in Arizona came up. If we couldn't afford it then, we certainly can't now. At least then I had a job. But apparently the sister wants no part in organizing this time. Spouse told me afterward that she apologized for how things went the last time, and that she (and the other two organizers) hadn't intended to be insulting or cruel.
I know why Spouse brought this up. Not to go to Arizona. That's a non-issue. Rather, it was about Easter. Several of Spouse's sibling are getting together for Easter, and I know Spouse would very much like all of us to go. I don't want to.
It isn't about forgiveness. (I don't think it is, anyway. Hope not.) I don't care about the details of what happened a few years ago (which is why I remember them, right?). What matters is that they continually make it clear they don't particularly like me and, to my surprise, never have. I find no pleasure in the thought of being someplace in which I am "odd man out". I would rather be home alone. At least I have Firestar to keep me company.
At this point in time I have no idea how this will play out. I just know I wish Easter was over. Then whatever I wind up doing would be over, too. If I don't go, they'll hate me because I didn't go. If I do go, they'll hate me because I did. I'm not that keen on going to family functions on my side, either. I just want to stay home. That's easy.
5 comments:
Wow, Bevie. No good choices here. I'm about to head into a visit from my mother in law in a couple weeks so I can totally understand how you don't want to be there. And you may hate me for this, but I sort of thing you should consider it just for your spouse's sake. Unless she would go without you. I guess that's not clear to me. But it seems like she wants you go to. Could you go but have time to yourself? Could you take your writing? Could you do like with the writers meeting and view it as a reporter with a view to blogging about it?
If not, and it is unbearable, then honor that and stay home. But if there is any way you could get through it, maybe try to do it for your wife and son??
I know that's not at all what you want to hear. But remember, the family unit is you and your wife and your son. They can't change that, no matter what.
Thanks again for your comments on my blog this morning. And we were doing so well with the comment moderation off!
No, what I want to hear is the truth of what you think and feel. Spouse generally gets her way. That is the simple truth. Son, too.
My guess is I will go. But if my niece and her husband aren't there, it isn't likely to be a good time.
Yeah, comment moderation. It's like they can tell. The only time I turned it off I got three SPAM comments within a couple of hours.
Thanks for your words.
I think it is shocking that spouse's family calls and berates. I think spouse should call them and let them know it is acceptable.
I also don't think it is all that shocking that spouse and son aren't all that eager to go without you. It woudl be one thing if you couldn't go because of work commitment say, or you didn't want to, or if it some way it was your choice, but since it is financial I think it is hurtful to have offered for spouse and son.
i can appreciate that paying for 3 people is a bit much, so, in that case, not offering at all might have been in order.
It is a touchy situation.
what does spouse say to them.
It was a bit touchy to have suggested that the money be turned over to pay the mortgage, but hey, they ARE family, I assume close, so can't a bit of honesty have been in order.
It is a shame that one of your syblings lost so much trying to help you, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
This might not help but I love my visiting and be with both my and my husbands family. I do NOT care for all the traveling and the fact that we must stay over a number of nights - that part sucks.
I miss my kitties
Spouse's family has an interesting perspective. If you love someone, you can never criticize them for anything. Also, original family supercedes all other family. So, when Spouse chose not to go, it was a surprise to everyone. Including me.
Spouse has always been "the baby", despite not being the youngest sibling. But Spouse is the youngest of the original father, who died six months after Spouse was born. Spouse seldom made her own decisions about anything. Probably the first was to marry me, which is why I am viewed so darkly. It is also why the siblings can't accept that Spouse's decisions are not, in fact, mine.
It took me three years to get Spouse to understand that my requests were not orders. Unfortunately, once I got Spouse to accept she didn't have to do everthing I said, she interpreted that to mean nothing. The next fourteen years were rough. The last thirteen have been great. Unfortunately, Spouse's newfound maturity doesn't fit with the siblings understanding of how things should be.
Personally, I don't give a d*mn. Spouse is much stronger now, and should I die, I no longer fear for her. I think she'll be just fine.
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