Is My Road a Cul-de-sac, Or is the Bridge Just Out

Been to the sleep apnea doctor. That was an ordeal. They sent us directions, but to the wrong place. We got sent to Edina. The appointment was set up for Plymouth. Fortunately, we had arrived early - but at the wrong place - so we were only fifteen minutes late getting to the place we were supposed to be.

No CPAP machine at this time. In order to get one I will have to go through the night of torture. It's been too long since I was last tested for him to grant the machine without testing. Not sure why. It's the same machine for everyone.

Not that it matters. My insurance runs out in a very short while, and the insurance won't agree to purchase a machine for sixty days. By the time the insurance will buy the machine, my insurance will have run out. We certainly won't be buying it on our own. Last fall I lost the argument about whether to keep COBRA or let it go. Lost each of the succeeding arguments which followed. Could certainly use that money now. Not sure that the benefits of having COBRA have outweighed the loss of money. That's always been my argument and why I wouldn't have it now were the choice solely mine.

As things are now, I will not be taking the test and I will not be going on the CPAP machine. I see no advantage in doing either anymore.

Looking for a place to live right now. In fact, Spouse is on the telephone with a place recommended by the city building inspector. Doesn't sound like it's going well. We checked out some townhouses for rent in our sister city, but the places within our budget are already gone. In fact, the "many places for rent" has been reduced to one. One too expensive for us.

No need to panic at this time. We've still got eight weeks before we're on the street.

What I find most amazing about all of what is going on in our lives right now is that, miserable as it seems sometimes, we needn't look hard to find people who would love to change places with us. It kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

The world is filled with unhappy people, unhealthy people, lonely people, destitute people, fearful people, and so and and so on. I have met people online who are suffering. Wish I could help them, but I don't know how.

I have made more than a few friends online. Lost a couple, too. Found out it hurts as much to lose a friend I've never seen as it does those I've known face-to-face. This is definitely a crossroad year. Whatever I've been expecting to happen is probably going to happen within the next six weeks. Only time will tell what it is.

Life goes on. It waits for no one. Not even me.

Searching For a Way

The opening to The Animal Kingdom is getting a bit of a roast over at Evil Editor. Click here if you're interested in joining the fun. Personally, I hadn't expected that large a response.

I'm not getting anything done. Think about doing things. A lot. Just don't actually do anything.

Guess I'm just looking for a way to get away. Not quite start over, but I'm looking for a place. Some place I'm not sure I've ever been. I remember a conversation with a counselor back nearly thirty years ago. We were discussing the likelihood that I had thrown away my salvation. During the talk I remember her asking me:

What is it that you want? I mean, really want? If you could have anything, what would it be?

I want to be happy again.

Again? Bevie, when have you ever really been happy? Can you tell me?

I didn't answer because I couldn't think of a time which qualified. But isn't that true for everyone? It seems everyone's life is so filled with sadness. None of us have a monopoly on it. But sometimes we just want to get away, don't we?

So I know what my desired solution is: I want to get away. This, of course, begs the question, Just what is it that I want to get away from?

Something I have believed far too strongly for far too long: That I can't.

Can't what? Anything, really. I mean, positive thinking is all well and good, but sooner or later, if one is to continue it, one must succeed at something worthwhile. That's not to say I've never done anything. There have been lots of things I have done for which others have commended me. But that's their idea of success. Not mine.

I have always wanted to entertain. Back when I was young and in school, I recall telling my classmates that the greatest gift anyone can give another is laughter. In laughing, one renews their strength to fight the battles which must be fought on another day. I would tell them, "I can't make things better for people, but if I can make them forget their troubles long enough for them to renew their strength I will have truly accomplished something."

My goal was to live a life in which I did that. Earn my living from it, even. I'm on the backside of my life. Even if I live to be one hundred I'm closer to the end than the beginning. And yet I have done none of the things I wanted to do. I have lived my life in fear of things which were not even fearful. I still do. The enemies of my soul are not others, or even life's circumstances. They are the thoughts in my own head. The feelings and beliefs which have become integral to my life. The familiarity of failure becomes my security blanket. I fear success because it is such an unknown. I have no idea how to live a successful life.

Of all my faults, this is the one which I fight against passing on to my Son. I am partially successful, I think. He asked if he could try out for band. I told him I thought that was a wonderful idea. He said he wanted to play the tuba. I said that was great! (It wasn't the instrument I was hoping for, but I didn't tell him that.) He has become very good at tuba playing. His grandmother loaned us a keyboard. He began teaching himself to play it. I told him how impressed I am. (He's getting pretty good, even without formal instruction.) Now he wants to add the saxophone to his repertoire. I said that's good, but we can't afford it right now. Undaunted, he is saving his money and offering his own things up to sell in our big sale which is due in three weeks. He's already made some money and has over $400 in a savings account.

I don't know what all of my Son's dreams are. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he believes he can achieve them if he goes after them. The question I have is this: Is it possible to teach something I don't know for myself? I'm hoping it is, because if not, then Son is going to have to learn this lesson from someone else. In my life, I can't honestly say I believe it to be true. What a waste of a life.