The opening to The Animal Kingdom is getting a bit of a roast over at Evil Editor. Click here if you're interested in joining the fun. Personally, I hadn't expected that large a response.
I'm not getting anything done. Think about doing things. A lot. Just don't actually do anything.
Guess I'm just looking for a way to get away. Not quite start over, but I'm looking for a place. Some place I'm not sure I've ever been. I remember a conversation with a counselor back nearly thirty years ago. We were discussing the likelihood that I had thrown away my salvation. During the talk I remember her asking me:
What is it that you want? I mean, really want? If you could have anything, what would it be?
I want to be happy again.
Again? Bevie, when have you ever really been happy? Can you tell me?
I didn't answer because I couldn't think of a time which qualified. But isn't that true for everyone? It seems everyone's life is so filled with sadness. None of us have a monopoly on it. But sometimes we just want to get away, don't we?
So I know what my desired solution is: I want to get away. This, of course, begs the question, Just what is it that I want to get away from?
Something I have believed far too strongly for far too long: That I can't.
Can't what? Anything, really. I mean, positive thinking is all well and good, but sooner or later, if one is to continue it, one must succeed at something worthwhile. That's not to say I've never done anything. There have been lots of things I have done for which others have commended me. But that's their idea of success. Not mine.
I have always wanted to entertain. Back when I was young and in school, I recall telling my classmates that the greatest gift anyone can give another is laughter. In laughing, one renews their strength to fight the battles which must be fought on another day. I would tell them, "I can't make things better for people, but if I can make them forget their troubles long enough for them to renew their strength I will have truly accomplished something."
My goal was to live a life in which I did that. Earn my living from it, even. I'm on the backside of my life. Even if I live to be one hundred I'm closer to the end than the beginning. And yet I have done none of the things I wanted to do. I have lived my life in fear of things which were not even fearful. I still do. The enemies of my soul are not others, or even life's circumstances. They are the thoughts in my own head. The feelings and beliefs which have become integral to my life. The familiarity of failure becomes my security blanket. I fear success because it is such an unknown. I have no idea how to live a successful life.
Of all my faults, this is the one which I fight against passing on to my Son. I am partially successful, I think. He asked if he could try out for band. I told him I thought that was a wonderful idea. He said he wanted to play the tuba. I said that was great! (It wasn't the instrument I was hoping for, but I didn't tell him that.) He has become very good at tuba playing. His grandmother loaned us a keyboard. He began teaching himself to play it. I told him how impressed I am. (He's getting pretty good, even without formal instruction.) Now he wants to add the saxophone to his repertoire. I said that's good, but we can't afford it right now. Undaunted, he is saving his money and offering his own things up to sell in our big sale which is due in three weeks. He's already made some money and has over $400 in a savings account.
I don't know what all of my Son's dreams are. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he believes he can achieve them if he goes after them. The question I have is this: Is it possible to teach something I don't know for myself? I'm hoping it is, because if not, then Son is going to have to learn this lesson from someone else. In my life, I can't honestly say I believe it to be true. What a waste of a life.
5 comments:
I can think of many times when I've been really happy, and I suspect that many others can offer. My favorite smile moments usualy involve my cats :-) Nothing like a purring kitty on my lap for me to feel contented (Speaking of which I'm kittyless)
You have much strife going on in your life at this time and it's no surprise that it's weighing you down. The weigh causes a focus on other distressing situations, either in your life in or in the world in general, which causes further sadness. Rather the glasses are tinted with sadness so that sadness is all that is scene.
Happiness can be found and felt, sometimes it's effortless, sometimes one must look for it
You've given me an idea for a blog post today!
Wow, you have such great personal insights. You would have made a great psychologist. I know what you mean about the fear of success.
I would cringe from the necessity of being witty and "dressed up" all the time. I love my creature comforts way too much.
I wish I could edit my post and change scene to seen! You'd think I'd be more careful and reread before I post- but I'm so impatient. I think what I should do is NO longer read it after it's posted - there you go, that's the solution.
I am often happy. For a start, I enjoy my walk into town and looking at the green leaves and feeling the sun on my skin.
I think Lisa has a good point. When we are in a sad phase, it's hard to remember the good times. (There's a neurological basis for that.) I know that whenever I start to question the meaning of life it's because I'm getting depressed and I need to take action to deal with it. (For me it's about enough exercise and sleep and eating the right foods, it may be different for you as I think you're doing all those at the moment.)
I can't help wondering what you feel that you need to do in order to be "a success".
I'd say that the 'neurological basis' is far better a term than 'clinical depression'! The problem with saying 'depression' is that it gives people the idea that a person is 'sad about something'. When the neurons start misfiring, no amount of exercise will help, and stressors only make it worse. Medication might well be required.
No amount of success, no amount purring kitties can over come if the neurons are misfiring - blasted neurons.
In the absences of medication and/or therapy, one can only be aware that they are seeing the cup is half empty, and force themselves to see 'the cup is half full'.
Turn off that sad song! Play a happy song, don't read the sad news, read some fun story, surround yourself with positive people - pet the kitties and smell the flowers.
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