Defining Me, If It is at All Within My Power to Do

Who am I? What have I been and where have I been? Where am I now and where am I going? Am I who I want to be? What changes must I make to achieve my goal of being "a right person before God"?

These are questions I think we all (or at least most of us) ask ourselves in various ways at various times in our lives. I happen to be at an interesting intersection of life in which so many questions about myself have raised themselves and insist upon an answer. Some answer require some serious thought. They all require serious honesty, and not flippant answers of correctness.

We are told by God that he will "shake the heavens and the earth" (Hebrews 12:26-27). I believe this will ultimately be fulfilled literally at some future date, but I also believe it speaks about other things. Us, for one. Who are we, and what do we really believe? You see, I have found in my past that it is easy to say I believe a great many things when there is no pressure to believe, only to find out my behavior changes dramatically when I found myself "put to it".

There have been times (more than I am comfortable admitting to) that I boasted of my bravery in standing fast and true for a friend, or cause. Then, when I found myself personally threatened by such bravery, I abandoned my friend or cause in order to save my own skin. Strangely enough, I have also found the opposite to be true. I have assured friends NOT to count on me should such and such occur, and then find myself at the forefront of disaster in order to help. This kind of behavior puts both my bravery and cowardice in question. I'm not sure what I am.

What I can say is being older helps. Having survived various calamities in my past, I can face current calamities with a different perspective. Some see this new attitude of mine as foolish, lazy, stupid, and childish. Others see it as a form of wisdom, strength, courage, or faith. I don't know what it is. I just know that what we believe will one day be tested for its truth.

Probably the most frightening thing to have tested is faith. The three women who wrote The Faith Club, Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver, and Priscilla Warner, found this to be true, although they did not go through it at the same time. It was like each had her turn, and the other two became the support for the one in challenge.

I have had my own testing of faith. That is part of what I have been going through for these past seven years. Actually, it is what has been going on all of my life, but these past seven years seem to have put special focus on what I believe about God. Particularly with regard to his love for me, and whether he does, in fact, make "all things work together for good".

It is frightening to wonder about one's faith. I mean really wonder, not just wonder. It's kind of like what Peter said to Jesus when more and more disciples deserted him.

From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. Then Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also want to go away?" But Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." John 6:66-67 New King James Version

If we do not believe in God, then what is there to believe in that matters?

I read another portion of the Quran this morning, and while what I read does not explicitly address this, it does point to a part of my character I find disturbing. Hypocrisy. I wrote about it on Faith in Forgiveness. But this is what I read this morning.

2- The Heifer (Al-Baqarah)

[2:99] We have sent down to you such clear revelations, and only the wicked will reject them.

[2:100] Is it not a fact that when they make a covenant and pledge to keep it, some of them always disregard it? In fact, most of them do not believe.

I do not wish to be a hyprocrite, but it sometimes seems so hard not to be. I preach a level of love, forgiveness, and acceptance which I do not always live up to. Particularly when it comes to family.

Examples:

My mother is recovering from cancer surgery. She lives alone in an apartment building reserved for the elderly. She has many physical restrictions upon her. She called me earlier this week to request that I come and do some driving errands, as well as do her laundry. I didn't do it. My excuse? A forty mile drive to get there, and a forty mile drive to get home. It would be cheaper, and make more sense, for her neighbors (who are falling over themselves to help her) to do these errands. Which is what happened. But the truth is, I did not want to do these things for my mother. A family history (which I will not go into now) has conditioned me to instinctively keep my distance. (Hence, I live forty miles away.) Not exactly loving, am I?

Spouse's father died on Thursday. The funeral services were today in Milwaukee. We didn't go. It was Spouse's decision, but that decision was based partly on me. You see, while I was perfectly content to drive to Milwaukee, spend the night in a hotel, and drive home the following day; or even drive to Milwaukee, attend the funeral, and then drive home the same day, there was something I was not willing to do. Spend the night in the home of an in-law. Not that I don't like them. In fact, I think some of them are the most wonderful people I know. But they don't particularly like me. Never have. And during the past seven years they have made that quite clear. In fact, I would not have been spending the night in my in-law's house. Spouse and Son would have. My in-law's plan was that I spend the night in a hotel. I got angry and made a scene. (This was done at home, without in-law knowledge.) After I apologized to Spouse, Spouse decided not to go. Wanted to avoid the inevitable confrontation between siblings and me (when it became clear none of us would be spending the night in her home). Not exactly forgiving and accepting, am I?

Why do I confess these things?

Because one of my big fears is that I am nothing more than a hypocrite. I have watched more than one preacher rail against this sin or that, and then be exposed for it himself/herself. It's disgusting. I don't want to be disgusting. But I kind of think I am sometimes.

So what about faith in general and my faith in particular? This is what I believe.

Faith is like an ocean. Rivers of fear pour into it. We are creatures of water who can abide in either fresh water or salt water. But brakken is difficult. Where faith meets fear is the estuary of brakken. We must choose to go one way or the other. We always choose the side which is strongest. When fear is stronger, we flee to the Rivers of Fear. When faith is stronger, we dive into the Ocean of Faith. Both faith and fear are tested in the Waters of Brakken. It's an awful place to be, but necessary if we are to grow.

Having been there regarding my faith in God I can say I chose the ocean. The base tenents of my faith are what I believe. God loves us. God forgives us. God paid the price for our sins (I believe through Jesus's death on the cross, but I accept others believe God used a different means) to do this. God loves and forgives everyone, so we should, too. That's easy for me to say. But then I have the issues with my mother and my in-laws.

It turns out I do not preach from above, but rather from below.