Our Ability to Annoy and Offend

Stephen and I only shared four years of school together, and in all that time we only shared two classes. One was Freshman Algebra. It was in that class Stephen decided to be my friend. We shared no other classes until our Senior year when we took Independent Study. I remember nothing of the class except for the big assignment in which Stephen and I presented a tape of our routines.

For two years we had made cassette recordings of various skits. These were all made at Stephen's house. I would visit and we would shoot some pool until Stephen got bored with winning and then go to his room and make a tape. All of these recordings were tongue-in-cheek, and we were usually making fun of someone or something. For our big independent project, the teacher let us do a tape. Probably a mistake.

Since our project was the last to be presented we were granted the advantage of witnessing our classmates' projects. What we wound up with was typical for us: we made fun of every member in the class - including the teacher. Except for Lacey. We forgot about Lacey. In the end, Lacey was the only one who liked what we did.

The recording is lost to me. Stephen had it, but I don't know if he kept it or not. No matter. I don't have access to it apart from memory, which has faded. I do recall making fun of Tim, who actually was a good friend of mine. But Tim struggled with a lot of things in our senior year and had become very serious. His project was a series of poems he had written. A couple were all right, but mostly they s*cked. I raised his ire during his presentation by pointing out my observations (it was part of the class to grade each other). Tim didn't take criticism well. I think it was his response to that which resulted in my making fun of him in our project.

Tim had written his own version of "Yes, We Have No Bananas". He altered the poem to talk about the state of the country (we were in the midst of Watergate), and serious things like that.

Yes, we have no bananas. Or grapefruit, or apples, or truth. Or honesty, or courage, or strength. lada lada lada

My response to it was it was kind of dumb. Hey, I was a senior in high school. Everything was either the best or the worst. And good manners was something old people had.

What Stephen and I did was take on roles. We took turns being everyone in class. When it was my turn to be Tim, I did another version of "Yes, We Have No Bananas". Not only that, but I actually sang it.

Yes, we have no bananas. Or grapefruit, or apples, or peas. Or oranges, or pineapple, or pumpkins, or even prunes and fries.

It isn't funny to read, I know. But at the time, knowing everyone involved, it was hysterical. Stephen loved it, anyway. Lacey did, too. Everyone else got very indignant on Tim's behalf. We didn't care. We were having fun.

My favorite spoof was the one in which we got Tim, Larry, and the teacher all at the same time. Everyone except the teacher thought this was funny. Even Tim, who wound up being the butt.

You see, Larry was one of our class "dopeheads". Not that he was stupid, although he wasn't exactly the brightest bulb. No. Larry used a variety of drugs, and as a result no one was quite sure where his brain had taken him at any given moment. Our teacher was a very serious woman who fervently believed she could coax Larry into actually accomplishing something. She would get mad at the rest of the class for laughing at her efforts. Larry didn't care. He was off in La La Land. I wonder what happened to Larry. I hope he got himself straight.

Anyway, all of Stephen and my tapes were recorded "live". What I mean by that is we never used a script. Everything was ad-lib. This meant we sometimes surprised each other, like our hemoroid commercial. You see, Stephen didn't know what a suppository was.

Stephen began with a ridiculous old man voice.

I'm sorry, Chally, but I can't go - bowling with you on Sa - tur - day - night.

I responded with my own old voice.

What's the maaaaa - terrrrr.

It's these - hemoroids. They're so embarassing.

Hemorroids? Is that all? Why don't you try Doc - tor Scholls, Hem - roid - al, suppositories.

Oh, they're all the same.

Not Dr. Scholls! They're made with a special blend.

But they taste horrible.

End of commercial. I was laughing too hard to continue.

Anyway, back to the skit. Stephen played Miss Lady-of-Decency. I got to play Larry. Stephen maintained a patronizing attitude, and I used my best "froggy" voice I could muster. When Stephen began by asking a yes/no question, I saw my opening and only answered "yeah" to every question.

Now Larry. Here it is spring and you haven't even opened your book yet.

Yeah.

You want to pass, don't you?

Yeah.

Now I want you to open your book right now. Can you do that?

Yeah.

Now Larry, I know this will be hard, but I want you to read the first word. Will you do that?

Yeah.

(Stephen started to lose it here.) Do it, Larry. Read the first word out loud for me.

Is.

(He did lose it here, but recovered.) Why Larry, that's wonderful! See, you can read. You can do it. You can be like the other students. You can be like - Tim! First be like Tim. Then you can catch up to the rest of the class.

The teacher didn't think it was funny at all, but I remember Tim exploding in laughter. It's always fun when people understand you weren't trying to be mean.