Posted on The Great Sea so I thought I should post here, too.
I've nothing to say, actually. Except, perhaps, that I never should have let myself expect anything. That was my mistake. I knew better. After all these years of living and feeling and experiencing, I knew better than to have expectations. But I did it anyway. And once again, my own expectations have cheated me.
It gets to be tiring. Not just reading more of my self-pitying crap, but never getting what I expect - unless it is crap. And as intelligent as I'm supposed to be, why is it I always fall back and believe that things are going to improve - when they never do. Never. Not ever. Not really.
I remember Betty telling me something way back in the 1970s. That's more than thirty years ago now. We (the cooks and waitresses at a then popular Italian restaurant) were trying to come up with one-word descriptions of each staff member. For most it was fairly easy - and comical. We were pretty much friends, and friends can pretty much say anything about and to each other. Real friends can, anyway. What I've seen of late is that people are no longer allowed this freedom and right. Say anything unflattering and you're blasted.
Anyway, no one could come up with a word for me. My suspicion - then and now - is that the words which came to mine were so unflattering they feared to speak them. Even then. But Betty told me she would give it serious thought, and by the end of the night she had a word she felt happy with: Perseverance. Even at the time I didn't feel especially flattered by it. I had been hoping for something like, Funny, Comical, Friendly. Instead, I got, Perseverance.
Well, maybe she was right. I mean, I'm still here, aren't I? Nobody's laughing, but I'm still here.
It's become a weary burden, though. There must be a reason to go on to the next thing, else why go? Why drive to the next town if there's nothing there? If one has no route, then who cares? If you don't know where you're going then why go anywhere? Here's as good as anyplace.
Only the decision isn't all mine. I'm being dragged to places I don't want to go and being forced to stay in places I don't want to be. I know there are others in and heading to worse places. Unfortunately, it doesn't make my life any happier. And that's the simple truth.
Told you I didn't have anything to say.
7 comments:
What's in a name, anyway? I have a book called "The Name Game" that is supposed to tell you what your name conveys to people, (eg. Olga means fat and ugly). According to this book, my first name means "unrelenting"!! I have no idea what to do with that piece of information. According to this book, the anglo-saxon origin of Bevie (Bevvy, Beverley) is "from the beaver meadow". Useless information! So don't put too much stock in labels, but if you want a new one to try on, try "Resilient".
While the gray cloud hangs over your head, another part of your brain is feverishly reinventing itself. I can't wait to see the result! The world awaits your comeback!
Will there be one? I'm emotionally spiritually tired like I've never been before. I know what I want now, but there is a canyon between me and it. I don't fly so high or far as I once did. I think this old bird's become a bit of a dodo and is in danger of becoming extinct.
It's hard to keep going, but there is no rest for the weary. I'm being pulled along. I'm not walking.
Have you thought about volunteering? Nothing will recharge your batteries like helping others--no kidding!
I have considered it. Just haven't acted on anything.
I know there are others in and heading to worse places. Unfortunately, it doesn't make my life any happier. And that's the simple truth.
I've found comparing myself to people who have it worse is as big a folly as comparing myself to people who have it better. Your problems are still your problems, and very real, and trying to make yourself feel thankful for what you do have by comparing yourself to say . . . a malnourished kid in Bangladesh . . . isn't going to change that.
I do hope things improve for you soon, Bevie. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Stacy's right. In fact, thinking about how difficult life is for people who are worse off is a recipe for even deeper depression.
I'm hoping things look up soon for you too.
Thanks. I guess I'm just worried I sound like I think everything is about me.
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