Self and Other Centered

Not sure why, but I got to thinking about my time at a company around twenty years ago. It was at the beginning of my rise to financial comfort, although I was unaware of it at the time. I was establishing myself as a dominant force in an industry which had caught my interest: computer programming. The interest would not last, however, and by the time I was kicked out of it I wasn't sorry to leave.

But I met a variety of people in that short span of ten years. Two of them came to mind this morning. Both are women. Vastly different from each other, both in appearance and personality.

From the perspective of most, the first woman had a lot going for her. She was young, in her early twenties. She had a shapely figure. Wore clothes to accent her figure. She wore her blonde hair thick about her head. Nearly all of the guys fawned all over her. But she had a significant flaw which didn't seem to bother most, but completely turned me off. Which is probably why I cannot remember her name.

What I was remembering was a telephone conversation I had with her. It wasn't often we interacted. At that time the company existed in two buildings, separated by about five miles. I was at the northern building and she at the southern. I had just completed the creation of some special nursing home software and she was to be the support person for it. So I called her.

Hello, Cashlin*? This is Bevie from the north office.

Hi, Bevie. What do you want?

Just finished the NDMS software and I was told you are to be the support contact?

Yes. That's right.

Well, we're shipping it next week so I thought we should get together so I can give you the rundown on how it works.

Yes, that would be helpful.

Good. We need to set a date for that.

Are you asking me out for a date?

What?

You just asked me out for a date.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I heard you.

No! I said we have to set a date for our meeting about the NDMS software.

Oh. I see.

Needless to say, I was rattled. And when Cashlin spread the tale that I had asked her out I got teased by some of the younger programmers, until I explained what had happened. Despite their own attraction to Cashlin, they understood. You see, Cashlin was an idiot, and everyone knew it. But that wasn't even her worst flaw.

The problem with Cashlin was her eyes. I would look in them - and see nothing. It was like there was nobody there. How others found that so attractive I'll never know.

* Still can't recall her name, so I chose Cashlin - because it means "vain"

The other woman I remember much better. Her name is Karen. She was around thirty. Perhaps a few years older. She was married, had son and daughter who provided her with lots of joy and frustration. She was in charge of the documenation department, where I had begun my work at the company. A wonderful person, she took the effort to behave mannerly even with people she didn't particularly like. She was quite intelligent and creative, and often managment relied on her during "crunch time". She was the kind of person people could trust and rely on. She was also fifty to one hundred pounds overweight.

I added that last because I find it significant that Karen was a much sexier woman than Cashlin, despite the differences in body measurements. When I looked in Karen's eyes I saw humor, intelligence - there was person there! But Karen would have mornings when she came in and closed the door to our office so she could sit at her desk and cry. She would still be smarting from the mocking criticism she had received at the hands of teenagers just the night before when she stopped to buy groceries on the way home from work. She could cry in front of me because I understood what it felt like to go through that. As wonderful, intelligent, and filled with potential Karen was, she never really believed in herself. I understood that. Maybe that's why we were friends.

Don't know why I wrote about this, other than that I got to thinking about it. Don't know why that either. I haven't seen either woman in twenty years. But it just seems sad to me that the better woman had the lower self-esteem. Life isn't really fair, is it?