Who Am I

I wonder how much of the "me" that existed back in the 1950s and 60s still exists. Have I really changed that much over the past fifty-plus years? Or am I basically the same person?

Certainly, many of the things I enjoyed back then mean nothing to me now. Can't think of one quickly, because it seems to much of what was important to me then is still important to me now. New things have arisen in my life, to be sure. But that's just part of growing and I'm not sure my discoveries of love, passion, special foods, and whatnot actually changed me.

So many of my years have been spent trying to be "what I'm supposed to be", instead of what I wanted to be. I tried to guess the ideas of other people and conform myself to them. I never really wore that well and spent those years in great discomfort.

My discomfort now, I think, is that I am tossing aside the ill-fitting costumes I have taken from others, and I'm trying to wear something of my own - and I'm not used to it. The ideals of others don't always fit me. We're not the same size. You ever wear shoes that are too small? I have. We didn't always have a lot of money. Same with shirts and pants. I'd rather wear small shoes than small pants.

There are attitudes and philosophies I used to adhere to, but now am abandoning with reckless care. Is it because I have changed who I am, or because I'm simply no longer pretending to be someone I am not?

This was brought home to me the other day when I received an email from someone close to me. Twenty years ago I could have seen myself sending this email to her. She meant well, and she believed she was making a powerful and beautiful statement. It was powerful, but there was no beauty in it. I posted about it on Faith in Forgiveness, but before you rush to see what it was let me warn you up front it tends to be religious in nature. So if you aren't keen on reading Bible verses and such you might want to skip the read. I'll give the overview here, anyway.

Basically, the email I received (and was asked to forward to as many others as I could think of) was in reference to an alleged email sent by an engineering professor at Michigan State University to the Muslim Students' Association. Muslim students had apparently been protesting a Danish cartoon depicting the Prophet Muhammed as a terrorist. The professor was upset about the protests and wrote the email, blasting the campus's Muslim population for hypocrisy, citing beheadings, ill-treatment of women, terrorism, and other factors as the "normal teaching" of Islam. He concluded by telling the Muslim students to leave the country.

As I indicated, twenty years ago I could have sent this email myself. I have never been one to appreciate protests of anything. Back in the 1960s I found the Vietnam protests to be stupid and unhelpful. Frequently, they resulted in riots, which (in my mind) discredited the protest's entire purpose. All my life I have shaken my head in annoyance at everyone who protests. Even when they're protesting for something I agree with.

But that wasn't my reaction to this email. This email brought me down. (Oh, isn't that hard to do, right?) All I could see was it was filled with hatred and intolerance. These are the things which separate people, not bring them together. These are the things which keep people from seeing "our" side. They keep us from seeing theirs.

I sent an email back stating quite strongly my opinion that this was NOT the message God intended for us to spread, and that in NO WAY was God happy with it. Hatred plus hatred can only equal more hatred. If that's what you want then, I guess, fine. But if you want peace, you have to start talking peace. And I don't mean in the way politicians do. You can see their deception in their eyes as they say things they don't believe or feel in their hearts. That's not talking peace. That's just talking. Diplomacy: The art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

I didn't feel better for having sent it. Mostly because I felt bad that it had to be sent. The person I sent it to was quite happy, however. She said it was an eye-opener for her and that she would now pay closer attention to things like this. Good for her! I told her not to feel bad, because this is a lesson I've only recently learned myself.

Or have I?

Have I actually changed who I am? Or am I just letting it out now? Does it matter? My behavior has certainly changed. There is no way I can write, or forward, such an email now. The sequence of events needed to produce that are too improbable.

But who am I? And - what have I become? Anything? Or have I just stayed the same?

I really don't know.