Thursday, April 1, 2010

Heart of a Fool

So. I'm posting again.

Hadn't meant to.

Didn't think I would again.

Not for a while anyway.

But here I am.

Like the battered woman returning to her abuser I come back for more punishment.

Why do people do the very thing they know is going to cause them grief?

I can't answer that.

I don't know the answer.

But I'm unhappy. In case you hadn't guessed.

Been unhappy for a few weeks now. I lost a friend.

They didn't die.

That almost would have made it easier.

They just don't like me anymore.

REALLY don't like me. And they have made it impossible for me to talk with them ever again. So I'm never going to know the reason why.

Just that it has something to do - with me.

Have you ever had someone turn on you?

Generally, it happens before they are willing to say it out loud. But you can tell. Their manner is different. All wrong. They are stiff. Resistant. Cold.

And what do they do?

They begin to look for reasons why they shouldn't like you. Why they should be angry with you. And every little thing you do and say suddenly becomes something to add to their list of complaints against you.

They blow up violently at you. Even when there's no reason. And when you ask about -

They ignore you.

Until they finally screw up the courage to do what they have wanted to do since their heart turned away - kick you away.

And it's your fault.

It's my fault.


You know. For a person like me, and I wonder how many of us there are, losing a friend is like - dying. Or taking very ill.

When I was younger the pain just found a quiet place and went there. But now that I'm older I seem to be running out of places to hide my sorrow. And I spend the days in tears.

I remember a saying from my youth: Life Sucks, And Then You Die.

Isn't that the truth sometimes?

I shouldn't have posted. Surely there was room for this one to hide, too?


fairyhedgehog said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.

Bevie said...

Thanks Fairy.

It's a scene which replays over and over in my life. Old as I am I haven't been able to fit the pieces together to figure out why.

Do you like the new look?

fairyhedgehog said...

I like the new look very much. I wasn't sure if it was a tactful moment to comment on it!

Bevie said...


I was worried I had lost your comment. It doesn't show up in moderation and the front page says there are only two comments.

I like it, too. Three columns is better than two.

Ms Sparrow said...

Hi Bevie, It sounds like you're in a downward spiral and I'm very concerned. Is there any way you can get some help to work your way out of it? You have too many things weighing you down and somebody has to help you manage your burdens without burning you out! Take care, janice

Bevie said...

Thanks Janice.

I expect I'll survive. Have so far. haha

It just hurts to lose another friend. Even though I never knew them long or well. It just hurts. That's all.

fairyhedgehog said...

Janice does have a point.