Friday, February 26, 2010

What Makes Us Choose What We Choose

Priorities. It's how we live our lives, isn't it? In fact, we can't live our lives without them.

Which is more important? Go to the movies? Stay home and save the money? Stay home sick and risk losing one's job because they're not that understanding about such things? Or go to work and risk having it get worse and then you lose even more time?

Some priorities are easy. Some get complicated. To others, our complicated priorities generally aren't complicated at all. For some reason we can all see with perfect vision and clarity when it's somebody else confronted with a dilemma. But seldom when it's ourselves.

I have canceled most of my medical visits over the past eight months. Why? Because we don't have health insurance and we also don't have a lot of money. So I skipped my diabetes doctor. Canceled my heart scan. Canceled my colonoscopy (not a difficult decision). And have skipped going to the dentist.

The result is I now have at least two teeth with fillings falling out. One major. Back to that. A few years ago I went two years with broken teeth until we saved up the money to pay for repairs.

My feet have also swollen. My long, slender toes now look like stubby little sausages. The skin is stretched to where it actually hurts. The feet feel both warm and cold at the same time.

Now. Priorities.

Getting these things taken care of is important to me. PAYING somebody to help me deal with it is important to somebody. I have been in debt to medical facilities before. The only creditors worse are banks and the government. So, the choice: Go to the doctor when I know I can't pay for it and will then get phone call after phone call every night of the week for the rest of my life demanding payment; Or not go to the doctor and know that I am slowly but surely killing myself?

I have chosen the second of those two choices.

But that doesn't amaze me. For me, the choice was obvious and hardly worth debating. What amazes me is what took place this week.

Spouse and I stopped at the vet to get Firestar more food. He was out. And after he nearly died he's been on a special diet food only available at the vet. It's expensive, but it lasts a long time. Only it's prescription. So in order for us to continue to purchase it, we had to bring Firestar in to be examined.

So I did.

I spent $66 so Firestar could eat special food which prevents him from getting sick and dying. But I won't go myself.


I based this one on the truth that Firestar's condition is not of his doing. At all. All of my problems are my own fault.

Firestar has no choice in his life. His health is in my hands, not his paws.

I am responsible now for both of our lives. But it's easier to let mine slip than his.

Why is that? He's just a cat.

Except - he isn't. Is he?


fairyhedgehog said...

I applaud the way you look after Firestar but it frustrates me no end that you don't prioritise yourself in the same way.

You matter, Bevie, and no one can look after you except you. And you're not doing it!

Sorry, I'm ranting. I worry about you.

Bevie said...

I know. But honestly, it's far easier for me to care about others than myself.

fairyhedgehog said...

I'm sure that's true. So care about me (and your family) worrying about you!

Bevie said...

They may worry. Not sure. My health has become such a part of the daily routine I don't think they give it much thought.

fairyhedgehog said...

I can't speak for them but I know I worry.

Bevie said...

Thanks, Fairy. I know you do. And that means a lot to me. I'm sorry I'm a poor friend in return.

But I'm thinking about using the exercise room today. Or maybe I'll just walk the third floor hallway.

fairyhedgehog said...

I just wish you could have medical care.

Bevie said...

So do I. The problem is money. That's what our world has become.

Ms Sparrow said...

Speaking of perspective think about this, ten years from now which loss would most negatively affect Son--you or the cat? Might he be angry that you didn't fight harder to take care of yourself?
Please get medical attention soon,
Bevie! The fact that the !&x#%congress can't stop fighting long enough to enact healthcare doesn't mean you have to risk your life.

Bevie said...

SOMEONE has to pay for it.

I managed the $66 for the cat.

The tests I need cost hundreds of dollars. They don't give them away for free - no matter what they advertise. I know. We've checked.